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MULTITASKER GIRL GETS COMFORT FOOD
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Friday, January 11, 2008
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Went to Olive Garden for lunch with some friends from work. Brought back my well deserved dessert - Tsiramisu. I also bumped into Brandon. (Brian, you are supposed to call him, man.)
Anyway, I got paid today, but I get to drop it all at school after work. Yep! I have to write a check for $238.13. Yeah, you know I'm not looking forward to that. Makes me wish I would have asked for cash instead for Christmas. Don't get me wrong. I loved all my Christmas presents, but right about now it's getting pretty desperate. I'm sure it'll all be worth it at graduation though. I'm sure. I'm just waiting.
Speaking of, I've been actively soliciting help to get this other job at work. So far Jennifer has put in a good word for me, and come to find out, a friend in my department also knows the lead that Jennifer's been talking to, so he says he'll put in a good word for me too. I asked my Go To (the person assigned to help me if I'm ever in a bind) and he says he'll be my reference, so I feel pretty set. Now I just have to find where I saved my last updated resume and get this ball rolling for real. Send tons of well wishes.
I've been feeling very overwhelmed and a bit suffocated lately. I'm hoping it will all pass. Just everything that's gone down lately makes it seem like everything I've been doing has been for everyone else. Like all I've got for me are my nights out when I get to drink and be me for me. I don't know if that makes sense.
But you know, like with this degree, when I told Dad I would be getting one, he asked me do I know this and that. No, I don't. To be honest, I don't even know if I like programming. It's just what I'm pursuing because that's the only real direction I've ever had. I mean, there were options growing up. I think I told Dad I wanted to be a Lawyer, or a Psychologist, and I remember he laughed. I'm laughing now too. But if money wasn't a factor, I'd write. I'd write for magazines. Travel books even. I would write for the rest of my life. Unfortunately, money is a factor, so I have to go with the path I've already set on. Money and time, that's what's against me.
And then my friends. I don't know where they are. I mean I do. They all mean well. But they have things they advice on and I don't know if they know who I am. Like, if they really believe those advises will work. It's my fault. I should lie less. I should tell them what's really going on so they can tailor their advises better. Things are so complicated though, they'll just probably get frustrated too and give up. And I feel like that, and I feel bitter because I feel like I'm always there for them, and then I get these feelings and I've got no one to tell.
To be completely honest, this is not my life. I mean, I would have given up years ago. I had my letters I wrote already back in 1999, that I still have, you know just in case. Then Matt goes and does his speech that he's so good at, and talks about Logan needing me. But now, he really doesn't. If you think about it, he's got the best situation already. He's set. So now, I work and study for these things I don't even know if I want. Then I drink to compensate for all the time I have to do things I know I could just stop doing. If I could just have some definite verification that no one cares. It would be easier. But everyone knows, there's always that nagging feeling that you're going to let someone down. That these things people see as failures, they're affecting people you care about. So you keep trying, and it keeps going on like that until God knows when.
I don't know what happened, I think I should take my pill again after I finish my Tsiramisu. Yeah, I will. But there it is. For those that have been asking how I am. It's not all well defined, but I don't think I can define anything right now. Those are the fragmented thoughts in my head at the moment. Anyone that can put it together feel free. |
posted by Jenni @ 4:21 PM  |
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On a lighter note, it must be Olive Garden day today. We had a "lunch meeting" (translation: I didn't have to pay). Mmm-mmm good!
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On a lighter note, it must be Olive Garden day today. We had a "lunch meeting" (translation: I didn't have to pay). Mmm-mmm good!