Hahahaha! Why? I always get the "I should have done something then" and the "I really miss you now" but always a little too late. Now, not without warning. Someone try to contest that and say I never warned you that you'll miss me someday. Oh, the frustrations of always falling for someone that can't fall for me as much until favorable conditions exist. Really, this blog can't be about one particular person, because there's too many of you guys now, and I say you guys, because I see you all still read this blog. Hi, hello!
Sometimes it just seems easier to say "I'll go to the one that loves me best." And some days I think there should be an application process where you write down your skills and qualifications and if someday I find that you misrepresented yourself, I can fire you without question. I'm so fucking tired of always accepting being second best, someone please come along and save me.
And yes, we all know, I am crazy, illogical, and overly dramatic, but I'm sure someone somewhere is looking for just that. So, I guess I sit and wait. Until then, Missy Higgins anyone?
And for those who don't know what realizing you don't matter feels like, it's like having an invisible hand choking you but inside your skin between your actual throat and your neck and that almost sneezing feeling you get in your nose that makes you all teary eyed, but your brain is so blank your eyes don't know what to do next so you just stare at whatever your face was already pointing at at the time. And your arms go all tingly numb, and your stomach gets all tense like someone is sitting on it. And time goes by and all you can think of is how hard and how long you've probably been clenching your teeth for. So, yeah, it's not fun.
YIP! There are THOSE guys out there but there is the "one". The one that can't STAND to be away from no matter what. The one that knows your breathing when you sleep at night. The ONE that can't sleep without you when you're not there. Sis, it exists, I promise. What you feel and what you want??? They are not rediculous to that perfect someone that was meant only for YOU. There's nothing in this world you can take with you once you're dead but love, that's forever and it's why it's the most important thing in the world.... no matter what. As an older sister, I PROMISE it exists and looking back, all else is simply: nothing.
The "perfect someone" I think convinced me last night that things like these are trivial. I also think the term "level out" was used. I woke up happy I really did, good dreams and such. Thanks for bringing me back, sis. Hahahaha! No, I think maybe I am too emotional. I guess I just thought this perfect guy will finally let me be ... me, but not really. So, let's keep the wall up, if anything else just for something for me to lean on when the person on the other side gets too busy. =D
Saying you're too emotional is like saying to someone they love too much. Hmmmmmm. There's one of my favorite lines EVER in The Crow. "Eric Draven: Little things used to mean so much to Shelly. I used to think they were kinda trivial. Believe me, nothing's trivial."
It's okay. I've resolved to try this leveling out business. I'll either get used to it and be more like the "normal" people, or I'll hate it so much it'll make detaching much easier.
The only thing I'm sad about is I really actually fell in love with him. This love thing is starting to get fairly disappointing.
YIP! There are THOSE guys out there but there is the "one". The one that can't STAND to be away from no matter what. The one that knows your breathing when you sleep at night. The ONE that can't sleep without you when you're not there. Sis, it exists, I promise. What you feel and what you want??? They are not rediculous to that perfect someone that was meant only for YOU. There's nothing in this world you can take with you once you're dead but love, that's forever and it's why it's the most important thing in the world.... no matter what. As an older sister, I PROMISE it exists and looking back, all else is simply: nothing.