08/20/2003
A,B,C,D, or E. (no names will be given, Eli knows and will give them out at his discretion.)

A - an exboyfriend. I don't even have the energy to count from how many moons it was since we "officially" parted ways. Of course, there have been the occasional occurences when we do cross paths, but nothing that ever compelled us to get back together. Since I broke my cell phone and lost everyone's number I've lost touch with him, but lo! and behold, he found a way to get in touch with me. We spent some time back tracking about the good and bad of our past relationship, and slowly everything was justified. I told him that it was a little too late to give me all this info now, but he said now he was actually in the mood to bond. (For those who don't know, bonding is one of my favorite past times.) So, currently, there are plans, and non plans, and everything is tentative.

B - an ex-"involvement". Amidst all complications, I happened to fall for him. Some would say, because I enjoy the drama. Not so long ago, however, the drama got old, and I detached, and inevitably found new and creative distractions. Of course, however hard I tried to stay out of touch, I didn't. Good plan, we are now reunited in good company and conversation. I have placed an imaginary wall, so I can safely buddy-up with him without starting the game all over again. Though right now I am doubting my skills as an imaginary brick layer. I mean, it's hard to stick to the other side of the room while he's laying down giving you googlie eyes.

C - a new friend? Met through happenstance at my new place of employment. He's beautiful, like the rest, smart, and sweet. He's attentive, charismatic, and oh-so cuddly. The future is a lot harder to see, plan, or scheme on this one, however. There are a lot of doubts from my end. I don't know what he wants, and if it's more than what I can offer, I don't know how well he would be at taking disappointment. Consider also, that though I have never met the man before, he is apparently well engraved within my circle of friends. Actually, in every circle of friends I have. You know, that can potentially cause a lot of damage, if he were the vengeful bitter type. People need be careful of their reputations, or atleast I do.

D - a singer. No, not Jason Mraz. A guy that grabbed my attention solely because he resembled Guy B so much. The resemblance covers their physique, their charm, their musical abilities, and I found out a couple days ago that it even goes to cover their last names. He is not much on conversation, but big on smiling and staring and making suggestive comments that he never seems to back up with anything but talk. He has a voice I can easily fall for, or sleep to, which means it's awesome. Of course, I've been trying to kick him out of contention for some time now, but something about him, and something about me, is hindering this whole process.

E - aka "Mystery Man". Still so much out of my league. Though for all it's worth, he's the only one I can safely dream and fantasize about, because the impossibilities of the situation keeps me from ever really investing any true emotions. A little crush never sent anyone bar hopping, binge drinking, or drunk mass emailing. He has everything I would list as qualifications to being a good lover/partner, however, and is a good model of what I want and need. He's good humoured, mild tempered, well mannered, etc. etc. That in itself, though well beyond my reach, inspires me to keep on searching, and also, inspires real pretty poetry. And poetry is what he is.

And there we have it. All put out, and organized, and easy to sort. Of course, I'm not in any hurry to pick, choose, and settle. No! No, dear friends! I am very much in my niche right now, and comfortable just dwelling in the complications of my non-relationships. I am not anxious to start one, and watch the inevitable failure and demise of it. Allow me a month or so, just to sit and review the facts, adding and deleting names as I see fit, without the complications of having to rationalize, and justify why it is that I seem to be meant for nobody.

09/24/2003
A, B, C, D and E continued...

A - I visited and stayed with during the last Joe Fund show in Pitt. Nothing happened. I had been so tired with pulling double shifts at work that I really didn't mind not having the usual big shibang during weekends when I do visit. I even welcomed his new Playstation toy that basically kept him and his friends occupied, and gave me tons of time to sleep. This visit, no arguments, but it was clear - we can never go back. I'm glad to announce however that we have bonded enough to remain good friends. I left early in the morning with one last hug. I will always hold him in high regards.

B - Though my imaginary brick laying skills may not be good, circumstances helped fortify my imaginary wall. Googlie eyed, and still fully inspiring but still surrounded by complications. The more I see who he is, the more I understand why it was hard for him to open up. I will always admire him, however, for his talent, for his goals, for his views that never seemed to agree with mine. With enough motivation, maybe his dream of getting out of this town will come true. I hope it does, he deserves everything.

C - No, he is not at all the vengeful bitter type. And now, it's not a question of what he wants, but what I want, and how well I am with taking disappointment. I'm trying to keep him at arms length emotionally. Every moment with him I can't help but think, "I've met you before. I know who you are. You will leave too."

D - Great voice, but now I know why I was itching to list him off. Great voice, and really, hindsight being as it is, there was nothing about him. I haven't seen the smiling, and staring, or heard his singing for awhile. I hope he's doing well and I will always remember when he did manage to make me smile. I guess sometimes you just know when something is not at all going to work out. He was a Leo after all.

E - Mystery Man to some of you is not such a mystery anymore. His smile can still brighten my day better than 10mg of Valium. His eyes will still always make me blush. And it still only takes 60 seconds withing conversating with him before I start to stutter. But that's who he his, and that's the kind of reaction he gets from everyone, I would guess. I had a crush, and like most crushes, slowly it's fading away. There's a sadness in this process, because I found that infatuation to be very healthy, and helpful in distracting me from everything that might have gone wrong at the time. Everytime things seemed futile I would shrug and go, "Oh, well, I'm gonna go stare at Mystery Man and forget about it." Maybe by the time the crush is completely crushed I can find another impossible possibility to take his place. Then again, I will always have Mraz.

So, the list dwindles, but in a way it's just getting longer. I'm yet to tackle organizing my address book to jot down recent additions to my phone list. But I have the important ones memorized, and I guess for now that suffices.

On an extra note, lately, when I find myself with spare time, I know who it is I want to call or spend my time with. I think right now he surpasses the list. I am under great belief that maybe I've found a friend.

12/12/2003

Today...

The wind whispered something suspicious
And the sun smiled with knowledge of some inside joke
I sat inside waiting for it to rain convinced that the world is against me
I watched a flock of birds bath in a pool of mud
The world is against them too

Mystery Man is gone...Guy A,B,D, and whoever else is gone...The new season is here, and I'm left to start a new. Not completely, I've concentrated all efforts on one man, without meaning to. Life takes random turns like a bitch lacking driving skills who decides she needs to turn left from the right lane. I wake up to the cold weather now with a sort of emptiness that makes me feel wise. The Jason Mraz fascination has somewhat faded though I am still and I believe forever will be enamored with his voice and his message. Everything is different, but I think I've been here before.

This site is going for days without updates, along with several other sites I've created. Out of laziness and a blase feeling.

Some four months back, I remember, I sat with someone I wanted to comfort and befriend. He complained of being jaded. I didn't understand, but I think I do now. I wish I could tell him, but then again, he's probably moved on from that feeling by now, and soon I will too. I miss him.

No, I refuse to go down like that. People, I am not afraid of pain, bring it on! Yes, there is inevitable defeat, but imagine all the good times before that, all the good sex, the good jokes, the cuddling, smiling, stare into my eyes, and give me butterfly kisses moments. I would not trade those. Time is fleeting, true, but memories of those moments remind you of how happy someone can actually be, how comforted and content. We've all had those moments before, and we can all have them again. Some will last longer than others, but more moments are out there just waiting for you to holla "Next!"