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MULTITASKER GIRL HAS AN ANXIETY ATTACK
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Monday, February 18, 2008
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Recently I've been having several, and I think the chronic migraines may be linked. Someone asked me what an anxiety attack feels like. Here's a breakdown (no pun intended) - If it happens at work, I usually sit in front of my computer, heart beating wildly, blank stare into nowhere, and knees shaking. There's a feeling of restlessness but you try really hard to sit still, because that's where you are supposed to be. If it happens in class, same heart, same knees, staring intently at the instructor concentrating on making my face expression look more interested than cracked out, and feeling a slight guilt that everyone else notices what's going on. If it happens anywhere else, same heart, free to do the rapid short breaths, I smoke a cigarette and usually prefer to sit in my car. Not driving anywhere, but just in the car. Thinking. That's what it's like, and that's how it is right now. Always trying not to cry, because I know it's crazy to cry without provocation. Lord knows, I don't want to be crazy.
These days I'm feeling a bit of anxiety that I'm falling behind in school, after I have pumped everyone about graduating, as part of an honor's society no less. Also there's a bit of anxiety that I'm not cutting it at work, despite how well I am at my job, things are being overlooked, and I've bit off more than I can chew. Of course, a bit of anxiety that there are bills I know I forgot to pay, and can't currently afford to pay, and soon I will be back to being irresponsible Jen who doesn't know basic math or how to balance a checkbook, always needing financially bailed out. Finally, there's a lot of anxiety that this time I won't magically pull through. That it will all come crumbling down, and right in front of everyone I have faked this confident facade to, I will fall to pieces. I picture my parents - my dad constantly disappointed, my mom ready with the "I told you so" and "how come everyone else in the family is smart but you." I picture my sister trying to act indifferent which mixed with my dismay somehow becomes insulting, and my brother-in-law ready with some smart ass remark. Then everyone else will send their very supportive messages knowing though never pointing out that it's a pattern, there's always times when I shine, there's always potential, but inevitably I fall, flat on my face.
After all that, because I know it's coming, is it really anxiety, or anticipation? |
posted by Jenni @ 9:45 AM  |
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= Anxiety
You're almost to your associates degree which you've never been THERE before. It will be with honors even if you have to run yourself into the ground to wrap it up because THAT is what you do. This company we work for 'anticipates' people to be gone or they wouldn't be giving out 20+ days off a year - paid. I think your anxiety is from knowing you have a lot to do but you anticipate it to be done! As far as patterns they are: Seemingly routine attempts from unsympatethic/unknowning outsiders but is clearly because one doesn't give up trying! True failure is when you don't stand back up on your stilettos. I see no problems here :)
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= Anxiety
You're almost to your associates degree which you've never been THERE before. It will be with honors even if you have to run yourself into the ground to wrap it up because THAT is what you do. This company we work for 'anticipates' people to be gone or they wouldn't be giving out 20+ days off a year - paid. I think your anxiety is from knowing you have a lot to do but you anticipate it to be done! As far as patterns they are: Seemingly routine attempts from unsympatethic/unknowning outsiders but is clearly because one doesn't give up trying! True failure is when you don't stand back up on your stilettos. I see no problems here :)