This post will get me random text messages today. Hi, Becky. Hi, Jennifer. Next time, why don't you girls just ignore me. You know I'm retarded. I was sick, possibly hallucinating. So I'm not explaining the poem that follows this, because I said so, and I'm boss. Although, I'm a bit disappointed I don't have a Kurt Halsey image to go with it. Perhaps afterwards, if I find excess energy after this whole sideways in bed, trying to type without my glasses ordeal, I will try to find an image to tie in. Because poetry without Kurt Halsey is just ... poetry. Pardon me, I think my brain just quit on me =D
Without further adieu, I'm thinking of calling this one - Not So Random:
Another one not far from the last You're just another version of my past
You are every man I ever fell for You are every man that ever lied You are every man I ever relied on And each one that never tried
And I knew you looked so familiar.
You sang a song that sounded so brand new But nothing's different, you're still just you
You are every man I ever trusted You are every man I ever feared You are every man I've tried to forget And each one I still hold dear
And I knew you looked so familiar.
Well, if I keep this up I will surely get jaded but will wake up every morning craving a glass of water and wanting to write. Hmmmm. Well worth it I think. Really doesn't even hurt anymore, turns a little funny, a sad funny, but nothing I haven't dealt with. Oh, Argentina, quit crying.
Hmmm...save post and find a picture? Yes, I think I will.
There's little in taking or giving, There's little in water or wine; This living, this living, this living Was never a project of mine. Oh, hard is the struggle, and sparse is The gain of the one at the top, For art is a form of catharsis, And love is a permanent flop, And work is the province of cattle, And rest's for a clam in a shell, So I'm thinking of throwing the battle --- Would you kindly direct me to hell?
Running on empty. Literally, and metaphorically. Also low on green tea. My day keeps getting better.
Monday night was an exam in Astronomy. I believe I aced that one which makes up for the first quiz I took that I got a B in.
Tuesday night my art class met the at Ulrich Museum. Saw some very interesting installations that beckon for me to come back and enjoy it, without the distraction of 20 other or so other people pretending interest and enthusiasm for one blank yellow wall. I liked it. There's my summary.
Wednesday night was a total lunar eclipse. I intended to share that with my son. The weather hindered it but we were still able to see a redish glow in the sky. It's supposed to be the last for the next 3 years and 10 months that can be viewed from this side of the globe, so I was fairly disappointed. Maybe sometime I'll just take him to the Cosmophere.
Thursday night was Phi Tetta Kappa meeting. Fairly fun. Lots of stuff that will be coming up.
Actually, Sunday is the induction ceremony. For those that want to come it starts at 2pm and is going to be in the 1500 building of the El Dorado campus in what is called the Kansas Room. The address is 901 S Haverhill Road, El Dorado, Kansas 67042. Here's a map of the campus to print out so you know where the 1500 building is supposed to be. (Two birds with one stone - this is also a note to myself since I need to know where I'm going as well.) I'm planning on being there around noonish, start earning my hours, and help setting up. Then they said they wanted to prep the inductees around 1pm. After the ceremony there is supposed to be an officer's meeting so I'm planning to be in El Dorado basically from 12pm - 4pm.
Today is Friday. Yay! I have so much homework that needs to be done. I'm glad (knock on wood) that today is fairly slow at work. I even took some time to clean out my backpack. Now I don't have to work tomorrow, but I do believe I will be coming in to decorate a coworkers cube. Pending that she is not working at that time. If she is, I'll be trying to sneak in early early Monday. We'll see.
Kinda cool finding Willie Nelson's remake of DMB's Gravedigger.
Gravedigger
Cyrus Jones 1810 to 1913 Made his great grandchildren believe You could live to a 103 A hundred and three is forever when you’re just a little kid So, Cyrus Jones lived forever
Gravedigger When you dig my grave Could you make it shallow So that I can feel the rain Gravedigger
Muriel Stonewall 1903 to 1954 She lost both of her babies in the second great war Now, you should never have to watch your only children lowered in the ground that means you should never have to bury your own babies
Gravedigger When you dig my grave Could you make it shallow So that I can feel the rain Gravedigger
Ring around the roseys Pocket full o'poseys Ashes to ashes We all fall down
Gravedigger When you dig my grave Could you make it shallow So that I can feel the rain Oh Gravedigger
Little Mikey Carson '67 to '75 He rode his bike like the devil until the day he died When he grows up he wants to be Mr. Vertigo on the flying trapeze Oh, 1940 to 1992--
Gravedigger When you dig my grave could you make it shallow So that I can feel the rain Grave digger When you dig my grave Could you make it shallow So that I can feel the rain I can feel the rain I can feel the rain Gravedigger When you dig my grave Could you make it shallow So that I can feel the rain Gravedigger Gravedigger
Recently I've been having several, and I think the chronic migraines may be linked. Someone asked me what an anxiety attack feels like. Here's a breakdown (no pun intended) - If it happens at work, I usually sit in front of my computer, heart beating wildly, blank stare into nowhere, and knees shaking. There's a feeling of restlessness but you try really hard to sit still, because that's where you are supposed to be. If it happens in class, same heart, same knees, staring intently at the instructor concentrating on making my face expression look more interested than cracked out, and feeling a slight guilt that everyone else notices what's going on. If it happens anywhere else, same heart, free to do the rapid short breaths, I smoke a cigarette and usually prefer to sit in my car. Not driving anywhere, but just in the car. Thinking. That's what it's like, and that's how it is right now. Always trying not to cry, because I know it's crazy to cry without provocation. Lord knows, I don't want to be crazy.
These days I'm feeling a bit of anxiety that I'm falling behind in school, after I have pumped everyone about graduating, as part of an honor's society no less. Also there's a bit of anxiety that I'm not cutting it at work, despite how well I am at my job, things are being overlooked, and I've bit off more than I can chew. Of course, a bit of anxiety that there are bills I know I forgot to pay, and can't currently afford to pay, and soon I will be back to being irresponsible Jen who doesn't know basic math or how to balance a checkbook, always needing financially bailed out. Finally, there's a lot of anxiety that this time I won't magically pull through. That it will all come crumbling down, and right in front of everyone I have faked this confident facade to, I will fall to pieces. I picture my parents - my dad constantly disappointed, my mom ready with the "I told you so" and "how come everyone else in the family is smart but you." I picture my sister trying to act indifferent which mixed with my dismay somehow becomes insulting, and my brother-in-law ready with some smart ass remark. Then everyone else will send their very supportive messages knowing though never pointing out that it's a pattern, there's always times when I shine, there's always potential, but inevitably I fall, flat on my face.
After all that, because I know it's coming, is it really anxiety, or anticipation?
MULTITASKER GIRL - WHEN MULTITASKING IS NO LONGER BY CHOICE
Monday, February 11, 2008
Everyone can tell I've had no time to even tend to the blog. It's been a struggle not logging in and getting even a short synopsis of what was in here. Currently, work and school has kicked my butt again. I feel suffocated even just thinking about it.
Last week I worked my 7:30am to 4:30pm shift. Monday and Tuesday after work I headed to Timbuktu, the bar and grill across from school, for dinner, a beer, do a bit of homework, and waste a dollar on the MegaTouch. Tuesday I actually got to leave school early because of the weather condition. Got home, and tried to do more homework. Wednesday night I had dinner with Carla and Paul, and a short visit at the Pumphouse. That night I was home by 11pm. Thursday night, no plans of going out, I plopped in front of the telly right after work, caught up on some CSI and did homework. Friday - same story. Saturday, I woke up early, drove to work to decorate a couple of cubes with birthday shite, and headed back home to (guess) do homework.
I met Carla and Paul at the Pumphouse Saturday evening and played a couple games of MegaTouch before we migrated to Liquid to see a friend's band, Alien8, play. It was pretty fun. I also bumped into an old acquaintance who, I guess, is also in a band, called Shrive. We had a good time just doing shop talk and almost poking Carla in the eye with my dramatic hand gestures. After the night was over Carla and I (Paul went home early) headed to IHOP and then called it a night.
Sunday was pretty laid back. I must admit, I didn't get a lot of homework done. Was taken out to dinner. Tried Pei Wei, but they were so busy we scurried to Olive Garden instead. Not too shabby. I managed to get a glass of wine out of the deal. When I got home that night I did more homework, and some laundry before heading to bed for another early morning.
Monday was a just a huge ordeal of me trying to balance work with school. I had a test last night, homework due, and 5 videos I had to watch. I was literally sitting in class an hour before it was to start watching the fifth video in 2x replay. I bombed the test. I'm sure I got 80% but that's not much. I'm also a bit behind on my other classes due to the fact that I had to wait for my books to be ordered and then to arrive. I've already skipped a couple quizzes. There goes my honors stole I guess. Bleh.
I was actually contemplating quiting work. Live off my tax return until graduation. Basically I had a 4.0 GPA until last semester's 3.25 and now I'm down to a 3.6. I'm .1 percent away from being another average student. But thinking about this further, I am paying my tuition with the money I'm making off work. I actually have my monthly tuition installment due this week, and having spent $400 on books already, needing $600 for a new timing belt still, plus lord knows how much that car registration that came in the mail was, I think maybe quiting is not the best idea right now. Ah, Life! All I can say is, this whole going to school gig better be worth it.
Anyway, seeming to be another long day at work. I started this blog at 8am and having been typing in between calls, it's already 12:56pm and this is as far as I've gotten. After work is another school night, and hopefully we can get out early again so I can come home and catch up on homework some more. With all that said I might not be going out tomorrow. Especially since I have a Phi Tetta Keppa thingy majigy to go to from 6pm tp 7pm. We'll see.
*Going to lunch will type more soon.
Lunch was good. Now I am sleepy. I left my Art textbook at home too. So, after work I guess I'll be driving back to Derby. Maybe I can get a nap in. Only 2.5 hours left of work to go. Think I can make it.
Went to work on time today. I was betting the heavens I'd have a box greeting me in my cube for all my stuff, having been gone so much. I'm hoping today was not an oversight and that I really do still have a job. I missed some important training Friday, and I luckily got it rescheduled for tomorrow. Man, someone must be really praying for me. I'm sure it's my mom, (she's been waiting on that car payment.)
Before it got busy I wrote:
Almost
Another almost hero gone An almost prince charming slipped From my grasp Just like that He was retarded I think Or maybe a little too smart He ran before there was time To know whats what And that's how he went My last almost hero And I sit and wait for my phone to buzz Maybe the almost hero Will be not smart enough and come back Until then I have my almost poems My almost poems that Are not Bukowski's He would know what to write What to do He would drink it away I'm sure Succesful poets can do that Drink things away I have to sit in my 9 to 5 Writing almost poems Waiting for almost heroes
I sent Becky a copy, she sends me back an email saying "Don't start getting poetic over someone you made out with once..." I replied, "C'mon it's good for poetry might as well flow with it."
I sent Jennifer a copy too. She texted me saying she loved it, but that she would change the word retarded to something more refined. Well, I'm not really refined to begin with, and as I responded back to her, I think he really is retarded.
Aside from that short stint of sentimentality, I was still feeling quite iffy today. Also, got hit with some guilt symptoms finding out that Logan has very well caught the bug I was carrying around and has been sick since yesterday. I am a bad mom. But really, my only gauge of whether I'm sick or not is whether I can get out of bed. I probably should have gone to the doctor's.
I made it though, through class and everything. Tomorrow is going to be another long day. A long COLD day, from what I hear. Not looking forward to it, but I keep going. Somewhere there's a way out of this madness, and I will find it. Until then - work, school, and the occasional binge drinking.
Everything just went sour from Wednesday. Aside from the whole being sick business. Ugh. Being sick. Who invented that crap? The weekend did not get much better. I kept trying, really trying to do something. I was so sick of being sick. The minute I headed out though, that first puff of cig, I knew, I was not going to make it.
Today was a good day, however. I think I might be feeling on the up and up. Or perhaps, I've forced myself to feel on the up and up. I woke up this morning with a to-do list already running through my head. The biggest to-do was homework. Yes. If I want to graduate, I must do homework. Or I think that's how it goes. Well, I've got them done, mostly, and I think I'm good to go to sleep. Tomorrow, I go to work (if I haven't gotten fired yet) very very early. I'm sure we're all familiar with the schedule by now. I work Mondays to Fridays, and sometimes Saturdays. I have classes Monday and Tuesday nights. It's all fairly routine, until someone gets sick.
Here's a song I found while stuck in bed:
"Where I Stood" - Missy Higgins
I don't know what I've done Or if I like what I've begun But something told me to run And honey you know me it's all or none
There were sounds in my head LIttle voices whispering That I should go and this should end Oh and I found myself listening
'Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you All I know is that I should And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you All I know is that I should 'Cos she will love you more than I could She who dares to stand where I stood
See I thought love was black and white That it was wrong or it was right But you ain't leaving without a fight And I think I am just as torn inside
'Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you All I know is that I should And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you All I know is that I should 'Cos she will love you more than I could She who dares to stand where I stood
And I won't be far from where you are if ever you should call You meant more to me than anyone I ever loved at all But you taught me how to trust myself and so I say to you This is what I have to do
'Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you All I know is that I should And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you All I know is that I should 'Cos she will love you more than I could She who dares to stand where I stood Oh, she who dares to stand where I stood
As a short intro, yes, I'm still sick. Tried to get ready for work and mid shower realized I wasn't going to make it. Ewl!
So, me ignoring everyone was short lived, if it ever really was. Well, I never ignored CR, I was just snippy, and even that didn't last long. The one who doesn't want to be blogged about, texted last night to see if we were friends again. Well, sure, but I told him, if he decides to keep acting like The Ex - psycho jealous stalker-esque - then I atleast expect him to buy me jewelry. =D
So happy February 1st. It's National Wear Red Day so help support the American Cancer Society. I would myself except I'm stuck in bed for the meantime.
Speaking of the new month, here's the new month's horoscope for me, since it was spooky close last time:
1st February 2008 - 29th February 2008
The month opens on a brilliant note with the lovely Venus in conjunction with glorious Jupiter. This is a sign of warm and wonderful things to come and the blessings you have already in your life. For some Sagittarians, there is good news on the financial front (thank gawd!) and, even though Mercury - the planet of transport, travel and negotiation - will be retrograding until the 19th , you can have confidence in deals struck in the early part of the month, especially if they are linked to property, money and your status. The solar eclipse of the 7th falls in the zone of travel and dialogue and portends a journey of some significance: this may turn out to be entirely literal in that you will be making a trip (uh-oh someone has already hinted about taking a "trip" - not good) - perhaps somewhat unexpectedly - or it may imply that an experience takes you on a journey of self-discovery (hahahahahahahaha). Valentine's Day puts the moon in the zone of relating so you may well receive a wonderful validation from someone you love, and, with Saturn also in place, there could be a major decision made on this very day. The more important eclipse for you, however, is the total lunar eclipse of the 21st. This brings to an end a chapter of life, especially if you are a November Sag (which I am), and urges you to accept that in order for you to grow and fulfil your true potential some things, and, perhaps, some people, have to be set aside. But as with all eclipses it's not so much what you put in motion as what the universe does.
Alright, so every pay attention and take notes, let's see what happens. Besides the two eclipses set to happen this month, there should be other fun things coming my way.
