Before I start with anything here's the pics from Saturday, finally:
This was my second stop for the evening as I've mentioned before so you can sorta see I was on my way to being sloshed. All aight though. Everything worked out, eh?
Anyway, I had classes Monday and Tuesday night as planned. My books are still being shipped so not much school work can be done, yet. Wednesday I had a dentist appointment before work, when I got to work I was nauseous and starting to get a migraine. I blamed it on the dentist appointment. That was what made sense at the time. When I left work I was still iffy, went to CRs house to watch a DVD and rest.
Finally got to watch that Silent Hill DVD. That was nice. Right after that movie I convinced him to let me watch The Lake House. That was nice too. After that movie he decides we are watching Pulp Fiction. I think I fell asleep way into half of that movie. I was really trying to pay attention. He had memorized the lines and thought it was so hilarious. It was hilarious that he thought it was hilarious. I guess I never really got into the movie. Anyway, we were going to meet his friends at the Pumphouse, but by the time I woke up, because I guess I dozed off, it was already 11pm, and he was in the middle of the Big Lubowski DVD. Another movie I never got into. Anyway, we stayed on the couch debating what to do next until 12ish and I decided I really wasn't feeling well and left for home. By the time I got home, I threw up and was officially sick. I thought it could be slept off though. Nope, woke up this morning still hurting. I got breakfast and took migraine medicine, and that helped a bit.
Anyway, the bonus is that Logan had the day off from school because of the snow. It's been me and him watching cartoons all day.
Yay! I also finally got to file my taxes, though the IRS won't be able to process until February 11th, atleast it's already transmitted and postmarked.
And (from visiting CR) I finally got another copy of Jack Off Jill. Long story short - Found Jack Off Jill on Kazaa 6 years ago. Burned a CD for me, brought to a kegger of a guy I was seeing. Guy I was seeing liked it, so I made him a copy. Lost my copy, lost guy I was seeing, and Kazaa already sucked. Couldn't picture paying for a CD I already had so never ordered it. CR was friends with guy I was seeing, and guy I was seeing made him a copy. Shazam! I got to borrow and burn into the blackberry. I am MAGIC! As a way of passing it forward, I sent it to Jennifer for running songs. Hey, Karma, we're even, k?
"On the 28th Mercury goes into reverse thrust, stalling one or more of your plans and making the going very convoluted indeed. Do your best to tie up as many loose ends before that date, then be very precise with your information."
Oh, wow! How freaky is that? Today is the day everything turned around. So, my used to be 300 messenging plan that sufficed for several months was bumped up to 1000 and then to unlimited because of everything that's been going on. Today, is the first day, in a while (I'm using comas to emphasize) that I haven't gotten a text before 8am. Actually, it's already 11ish and I'm still text free. WTF?! Actually, I told MT last night I was going to start hiding out. No, not hiding out like I'm going to stop going out. Hiding out as in, I'm ignoring all of you from now on. Yay, me!
I also have class tonight, and this time I plan on going to the right one. Yes! I've so got today figured out. I even already made trade shift switches to cover for my dentist appointment Wednesday, and possible lateness due to drinking on Thursday. (Yes, I'm responsible and plan those ahead.) And I got the early shift again next week (after a trade) so I don't have to be late for my classes. I'm on the ball. Even updated my calendar already.
So, I'm tyng up loose ends and trying to be precise. Hells yeah!
The week ahead:
Monday - work and class
Tuesday - work and class
Wednesday - dentist appointment, work, and girls night
Thursday - work and homework
Friday - work and TBA
Saturday - optometrist appt and something secret
Sunday - homework, laundry, and everything else.
Looks good, right? Precise? Almost maybe. We'll see I'll try to update. I have some pics from Saturday too that I need to upload. That was a fun night aside from the drama.
I can't do half ass blogs, it is not me. I've tried and it's made a mess of my blog. And for fuck's sake it's my blog. I don't even know how to do this anymore then. It just all muddled with fake truths. I can't really be muddled here, I'm muddled enough as it is.
One last one, but that's it. Names will come flying.
Last night was meant to be social obligations only. Friends' birthday. I started out at Heroes. Two drinks. Drove to Jerry's celebrated Amanda's birthday, watched a band. One drink, one shot. Drove back downtown, got stuck (literally) on railroad tracks and made my way to Boulevard. Glass of water. Then shit hits the fan all around.
Not because I'm not growned up, but because others can't be. I am bombarded with EVERYBODY's feelings and conflicts. Really, you be responsible for your feelings, as I am responsible for mine, and if by this age you don't know how to handle your feelings, your fault, not mine. Enough said. So I have feelings being thrown from one side, and conflict on another. Oh, poor thing, his friends like me. Now what do we do? He's just trying to be a good friend. I should make myself less likable, that will keep things on the up and up, and then no more conflicts. Yay!
Really I know where everyone's coming from here. But why am I compensating for something that they should be dealing with. I have feelings and conflicts and I don't throw them at anyone else's face, (except Becky, but she's obligated.) After 4 years of being in a disfunctional relationship the last thing I want is a disfunctional NON-relationship. Yes, I am not even dating anybody and I have to deal with this.
Well, one I've decided I must stop talking to for a bit. I mean I cancelled plans with him telling him, it's for the best, to keep things straight for a bit, and then after last night, it's clear. He won't let things be kept straight therefore I'm forcing him. The other one, I've been talking to since I left the bar last night. He thinks I need to understand him better. (No one yet has mentioned trying to understand me.) We'll see where that one goes.
WANTED: Someone to rescue me from the land of the self-involved.
Anyway, got work and school coming up and a ton of laundry to do. Everything pauses. I'm syncing the blackberry again tonight. This time, if you're not in my calendar, then you wait your god damn turn.
I left work and got to school around 6:38pm. I was the first one in my class. Sat down, called Becky and whined. Teacher walks in and is concerned that I'm the only one in class. He walks around the building trying to figure things out, blames the low attendance on the weather. We sit and talk and it turn 8:30ish, then the front desk person walks in and advises him he wasn't supposed to have class today. Nice. But why was I there? I looked at my schedule, I was supposed to be in a different class. He's not even my teacher. I say my nice-to-meet-you's and scurry to the right room. By then the teacher had let out the class. Ugh! I still have to email the instructor to let him know I ditzed out.
Driving home I started getting really bummed. I started thinking that usually this would be funny. I would get on the phone, call two or three people and laugh about it. This time I didn't want to talk to anyone. I was driving on Kellogg and kept driving and made up my mind I was going for a drink. A drink and a valium. What a day.
The good thing about last night. That teacher was actually pretty cool. We talked about astrononmy. Theories about other life forms. Mark Twain, Anthony Burgess and Franz Kafka. Bukowski was even brought up. I'm in love with Bukowski. I tell him, "Dorothy Parker is a classic, but if you convert her works to modern language she can easily be a female Bukowski. She would be taboo." He told me he'd look her up, but in the meantime he would search for me a video he owns of Bukowski reading poetry. He promised to lend it to me. That was nice
An Almost Made Up Poem by Charles Bukowski
I see you drinking at a fountain with tiny blue hands, no, your hands are not tiny they are small, and the fountain is in France where you wrote me that last letter and I answered and never heard from you again. you used to write insane poems about ANGELS AND GOD, all in upper case, and you knew famous artists and most of them were your lovers, and I wrote back, it's all right, go ahead, enter their lives, I'm not jealous because we've never met. we got close once in New Orleans, one half block, but never met, never touched. so you went with the famous and wrote about the famous, and, of course, what you found out is that the famous are worried about their fame -- not the beautiful young girl in bed with them, who gives them that, and then awakens in the morning to write upper case poems about ANGELS AND GOD. we know God is dead, they've told us, but listening to you I wasn't sure. maybe it was the upper case. you were one of the best female poets and I told the publishers, editors, "her, print her, she's mad but she's magic. there's no lie in her fire." I loved you like a man loves a woman he never touches, only writes to, keeps little photographs of. I would have loved you more if I had sat in a small room rolling a cigarette and listened to you piss in the bathroom, but that didn't happen. your letters got sadder. your lovers betrayed you. kid, I wrote back, all lovers betray. it didn't help. you said you had a crying bench and it was by a bridge and the bridge was over a river and you sat on the crying bench every night and wept for the lovers who had hurt and forgotten you. I wrote back but never heard again. a friend wrote me of your suicide 3 or 4 months after it happened. if I had met you I would probably have been unfair to you or you to me. it was best like this.
So the buzz around the office is that Heath Ledger is dead. This is news considering the recent death of another young Hollywood star, Brad Renfro. Frankly, people have babies and people die, but in this case, I would not be surprised if Tom Cruise is involved.
I have another hour of work left. I started the morning off making the department calendar. I ordered myself a medium meat lover's pizza for my lunch/dinner. I had a back and forth correspondence with a client that lasted almost an hour concerning an override on the software he was trying to force, and have taken 14 other calls since then. To top it off - I have class tonight. Woohoo!
Other things I cannot really blog about because of private people and their private lives. Let's just say things are getting annoyingly complicated. For now, I will bury myself in things I know I have to deal with, namely, work and school.
For the rest of the week:
Tuesday - work and class.
Wednesday - work, and going out with Carla at night.
Thursday - work and hopefully buying books afterwards.
Friday - work and bowling with Eli and his friends.
Saturday - work and then Amanda's birthday thing.
Sunday - my next non-work but first online class deadline, that means we'll see...
So everyone famous seems to be dying which puts me in the clear...
"No fame, no money, I'm nobody. The way I'm running has sure got me down on my knees. Next stop, Vegas please."
I'm back at work again today, and slowly realizing I'm running out of time. I started getting emails from my teachers for the semester welcoming me to their classes. Classes officially start again Tuesday and I have to really get in gear since I missed my 4.0 mark last semester and cannot afford another miss. Before classes start however there are tons of things I need to do. Personally errands and such.
Yesterday when I got off work, I caught up on Cashmere Mafia while I sorted out my laundry. I ended up with three hugh piles. I dropped the whites in the wash before going to bed. Woke up this morning and switched the whites in the dryer then dropped my first load of colors in the wash. Got ready for work, ate breakfast, dropped the whites on top of my bed and switched the colors in the dryer. That'll be waiting on me when I get off work today.
I had a movie non-date thing, I re-negotiated into a dinner non-date thing instead. Planning on doing that earlish to I can get home do a bit more cleaning, hopefully find a book of checks I think I'm missing, clean out my out Samsung for Mom, review my car insurance renewal papers for February, set up automatic billing for that and get ready for an early day tomorrow.
Tomorrow I intend on doing some grooming i.e. my nails, getting an oil change, and then heading to an open house with Mom. After the open house, I hope to have some time to get online and get started on my online class. I tend to procrastinate on those things so getting started now is my best bet. Sunday is going to be my one and only non-work day so I'll be trying to cram as much as possible into that.
Then work starts again Monday, after work I have an Optometrist appointment. Tuesday classes start. Friday is a bowling thingy. Saturday I work again. And then comes my next only non-wor day.
I'm tired already.
BTW, someone remind me I still need to find time to buy my books.
So, I have this stat page that shows me everyone that visits the site, what pages they are reading, how long they are staying at each page, and where they are coming from. Sometimes I see people that accidentally find the page just by way of Googling keywords. Some of them become return visitors.
Really funny, someone searched for cleaning supplies and got my post about cleaning my inbox. Later on that day I see a visit from the same company. (Yes, they were using a company connection, shame!) So, why? Because I'm pretty, (yes, I know I am,) or because I'm witty, (that you cannot deny,) or was it another accidental click in the explorer history?
LOL! Just a short sweet blog. I'm 30 minutes away from leaving work. Wayne just informed me that my Felicity episodes should be on their way and being in AVI format I'm very excited to watch them on my blackberry, yay! And when I'm not watching in the blackberry will be on the laptop. Consider me booked for the rest of January and all of February. Ha!
That's it, short recap. I seem to be in high demand at work. Everyone knows where my cube is and they never fail to stop in. So, when I'm not phoning or being phoned by a client, I have everyone else needing my attention.
Perhaps this weekend I'll have a more in depth blog.
I started and am about done cleaning out the message inbox in the blackberry. I figured clean slate. I think I might schedule a New Year's Eve recreation as well, and this time do it right. Who knows.
Anyway, I'm a bit famished blogging these words. I had an update training I attended for 3 hours, and my lunch was scheduled somewhere in between that. Training was not over until 4:30pm which is when the early shifters leave so I couldn't very well take off and leave everybody on their own, so here I am. I have recently discovered the joy of Bacon and Cheese Whoppers, so I've been craving one all day. The plan is to go to BK right after work, before heading to PH to meet with Carla. Hopefully, this snow factor doesn't screw with my plans.
Anyway, just a short blog. Nothing much I can report yet. =D
I am going to get murdered once this blog is published because I think I was told not to blog about it. But I live on the wild side.
Lookie! My not all pink bouquet of flowers!
And then, my stupidest/sweetest note that came with my not all pink bouquet of flowers.
You should have seen the receptionist face when I came downstairs to pick it up. She said "Are you Jen, Jenni, Jennifer? The card was addressed to all of my personalities. "Jen/Jenn/Jennifer Alonso" Nice!
Anyway, like I said I'll get murdered for this blog, but it's okay. All for the sake of having proof that "You're still gay!"
My to-do list while I'm sitting here doing my 8 hours:
Clean out my Outlook inbox.
Clean my desk, drawers and shelves.
Send mass emails about next weeks food day.
Update my calendar.
Hopefully, update my journal.
Last night Ray got a bit too drunk to drive home, so I picked him up and drove him to his house. Good thing too, on the way there I passed four cop cars, all sitting within a block from each other. Anyway, I think during my lunch I will be picking him up to get to his truck which he left downtown. Now, if someone will just tell me when my lunch is supposed to be.
Went to Olive Garden for lunch with some friends from work. Brought back my well deserved dessert - Tsiramisu. I also bumped into Brandon. (Brian, you are supposed to call him, man.)
Anyway, I got paid today, but I get to drop it all at school after work. Yep! I have to write a check for $238.13. Yeah, you know I'm not looking forward to that. Makes me wish I would have asked for cash instead for Christmas. Don't get me wrong. I loved all my Christmas presents, but right about now it's getting pretty desperate. I'm sure it'll all be worth it at graduation though. I'm sure. I'm just waiting.
Speaking of, I've been actively soliciting help to get this other job at work. So far Jennifer has put in a good word for me, and come to find out, a friend in my department also knows the lead that Jennifer's been talking to, so he says he'll put in a good word for me too. I asked my Go To (the person assigned to help me if I'm ever in a bind) and he says he'll be my reference, so I feel pretty set. Now I just have to find where I saved my last updated resume and get this ball rolling for real. Send tons of well wishes.
I've been feeling very overwhelmed and a bit suffocated lately. I'm hoping it will all pass. Just everything that's gone down lately makes it seem like everything I've been doing has been for everyone else. Like all I've got for me are my nights out when I get to drink and be me for me. I don't know if that makes sense.
But you know, like with this degree, when I told Dad I would be getting one, he asked me do I know this and that. No, I don't. To be honest, I don't even know if I like programming. It's just what I'm pursuing because that's the only real direction I've ever had. I mean, there were options growing up. I think I told Dad I wanted to be a Lawyer, or a Psychologist, and I remember he laughed. I'm laughing now too. But if money wasn't a factor, I'd write. I'd write for magazines. Travel books even. I would write for the rest of my life. Unfortunately, money is a factor, so I have to go with the path I've already set on. Money and time, that's what's against me.
And then my friends. I don't know where they are. I mean I do. They all mean well. But they have things they advice on and I don't know if they know who I am. Like, if they really believe those advises will work. It's my fault. I should lie less. I should tell them what's really going on so they can tailor their advises better. Things are so complicated though, they'll just probably get frustrated too and give up. And I feel like that, and I feel bitter because I feel like I'm always there for them, and then I get these feelings and I've got no one to tell.
To be completely honest, this is not my life. I mean, I would have given up years ago. I had my letters I wrote already back in 1999, that I still have, you know just in case. Then Matt goes and does his speech that he's so good at, and talks about Logan needing me. But now, he really doesn't. If you think about it, he's got the best situation already. He's set. So now, I work and study for these things I don't even know if I want. Then I drink to compensate for all the time I have to do things I know I could just stop doing. If I could just have some definite verification that no one cares. It would be easier. But everyone knows, there's always that nagging feeling that you're going to let someone down. That these things people see as failures, they're affecting people you care about. So you keep trying, and it keeps going on like that until God knows when.
I don't know what happened, I think I should take my pill again after I finish my Tsiramisu. Yeah, I will. But there it is. For those that have been asking how I am. It's not all well defined, but I don't think I can define anything right now. Those are the fragmented thoughts in my head at the moment. Anyone that can put it together feel free.
I slept a good 12 hours. Basically got home around 5ish, went to bed, fell asleep, was woken up around 9ish by text messages that I could have done without, fell asleep again, and woke up at 5am. That was it. Then I got up, got ready for work, got to work, and sat here. Received some Instant Messages I could have done without, sat here some more. That's been it.
This has been what I've been staring at for most of the day.
Been listening to Paolo Nutini on my phone. I have the song Rewind on repeat. =D. I think I have the song almost memorized, or atleast I have the first verse:
"Picking up the pieces of the wreck you went and left, and I'm dealing with dilemmas in my not so stressful life. And I'm drinking stronger spirits, I made my home here on the floor. And I'm losing all ambitions and goals. And I'm going all out, and I'm thinking you're just as bad. Not sleeping at night, but I'm going from bar to bar. Why can't we just rewind?"
Really, I'm not sure if those are the right words. I have the CD case at home and I could look it up, but I'm not gonna. I like the song the way I hear it. You know, how some songs are totally awesome, and you sing along with words that make sense to you, then you find out what the real lyrics are and it's like, "Wow, that song actually sucks."
Kinda like with people too. I'm not sure how that makes sense, but it does right now. Just go with me on this.
Oh, and did I mention I'm planning a wedding. Hahahahaha. My friend at work got engaged, and since I seem to be the best planner ever, she's enlisted my help. It's fun. It's been almost a decade since I tried planning a wedding, I hope this one has a happier ending. Either way, it's something to keep me occupied for awhile.
Next I will have to decide between transferring back to WSU or transferring to Southwestern after I get my Associates. WSU is the easy choice because I have most of my credits there already, (possibly less paperwork.) Southwestern is better because they are designed for returning adult students, which means I'll have a better shot at getting the classes I need, during the times I'm off work. So I can possibly get through faster. So I just have to see if the credits I transferred from WSU to Butler will get transferred by Butler to Southwestern, or if I have to do two transfers, one from Butler and one from WSU. In which case, all those transfers alone will be enough to make me go to WSU. Have I mentioned I hate paperwork?
Anyway, I managed to get bombarded by IMs all of a sudden. Like 4 at a time, all from people here at work. Not sure when I became so highly in demand but my screen won't stop blinking. I'll blog more later.
Yesterday at work went by pretty fast. 7:30am to 4:30pm. I think I can get used to that. Went home did some laundry, watched a bit of CSI and then went to eat dinner at Hana cafe. Best place ever, only this time no sake. I'm limiting my drinking to Wednesdays and Saturdays only. Not just because it's growned up but also because I am now broke. My tuition this Spring is $900, and that is not including the $200 I'll be shelling out to buy books. See, being in school is all sorts of hassles.
BTW, Brian came by yesterday too for a job interview. He's not sure if he's pursuing it yet, but I took him upstairs and gave him a bit of a tour. Took a pick of him in his monkey suit too.
Today's been a bit of a drag already. I didn't sleep as well as I have recently, so I woke up a bit cranky. Got to work, and have already taken more calls than I did all of last week. Also, people are getting on my nerves. I've taken a couple valiums already. It seems to only help for an hour or so at a time. My main consolation right now is Mom's pansit, that I packed for lunch yesterday and still have some left overs for.
By the way, it seems I'm gaining a pound a day. For someone that has been 86 pounds since freshman year in high school, and through having a kid and all, gaining weight was a great challenge. However, when I weighed myself last week I topped off at 92. Monday morning I was at 92.8. Today, 93.8! I feel awesome!
I'm hoping that by the time Jen has forced me to start running with her I'm atleast at 105 already so I'll have something to work on toning. Because I hate looking like those girls that are all muscle, it's not very attractive to me. I want to be toned, but still look fragile and feminine. That's the goal.
Anyway, here's an email from Eli. I was feeling pissy so instead of IMing all day with him I told him to write me an email:
Dear Jen, Jennifer, and Jenni,
(I don't know why I started out with "Dear Jen, Jennifer, and Jenni" but it seemed fairly fitting.)
I did not stay sick for long after I talked to you, I woke up Saturday morning feeling pretty bad, really achy like I was about to get sick. But in the afternoon I had a hot tea from the vending machine then went to see a band play, there I had some beer. The next day I woke up completely fine, miracle beer I think.
So I'm enjoying my time in Japan, I am not getting you a bunch of imperfect souvenirs, but I'm looking for some good ones. Unfortunately the online Sanrio Japan store does not have any real badtz maru merchandise to speak of, so that seems to be a dead end on that front. I will be coming home on January 15th, until the first week of February, so be sure to pencil me in one of those days that I'll be in Wichita.
I don't think I'll be able to get you a tree, considering that I couldn't bring it back into America, nor will I be able to get you a flower from a cherry blossom tree, they are not in season, only for about a week in March I think.
I've found some clothes that I like out here, but considering that it was over $200 for a hoodie, I opted not to buy any. I have bought some CD's though, and another little camera, and a lapdance - which was not worth it in my opinion. other than that I don't think I've bought too much stuff, oh yeah, I bought a Nintendo DS, but I think I already told you, I need to buy a couple more games for it though. Oh, and today I bought some noise canceling earbud headphones. So it turns out I've bought a lot, more than I should probably. But I'm using my new United Points visa card, so I'm getting airline miles for all these purchases.
well, I think you're probably going to be done with your break soon, so I guess I'll wrap it up.
um, yeah, ok, bye.
Eli
PS. I hope you're not too fat for me to hang around when I get back.
PSS. I really hope you get those big hoop earings for when I come back to Wichita too
Eli is weird. He has a thing for big hoop earings and he thinks I'll wear a pair for him when he gets back. He is hilarious.
Ugh! Not really big on blogging right now. I feel like taking a nap. I have 5 more minutes before lunch, and since I already ate, I'll be napping at my desk =D
It's starting to get busier at work, so I'm not even sure if I can blog properly. I might have to wait until tonight but I will try none the less.
This weekend ended up being pretty full. First I guess I should start with Friday. I ended up being able to leave work earlier than I had planned so I decided to go enroll for classes. Well, turns out I'm actually set to get my Associates after this semester. The advisor was a bit confused why I hadn't taken any Arts or Sciences, and I explained it was because I didn't like them. Then he mentions that that was all I need to get my Liberal Arts Associates in Science. Okay, but that's not what I was working towards. He explains I can still work towards my Software Development and Foreign Language degrees but atleast get this now, so I have something to show for all the tuition I've paid so far. Good logic, I decided to go for it. So commencement is May 17th. I even ordered the cap and gown already. I know it's a bit sad, because it's not a Bachelor's but I've been told I deserve the recognition for working so hard so I'm going to milk that side of the story. Besides I have earned this. After going to school full time, and working full time, and paying around $1000 every semester and $200 for books. Oh, and how about all the freakin' paperwork and running around. Yes, I deserve this. Or atleast, until my parents tell me otherwise =D
Well, Friday night I decided to go out for drinks to reward myself and that was fun. Ray didn't have plans so he decided to come with. Saturday I tried to take a nap, do a bit of laundry, painted my nails, and got ready for the shindig for my coworker. Ray came with me for that as well, which was great, he got a long with my coworkers just fine. Vanessa actually kept saying "Ray of Sunshine" just so she'd remember his name. We also got to eat dinner at Piztros with Paul and Carla. Sunday afternoon we watched My Life Without Me, which Ray is convinced I only rented because of Scott Speedman. Well, yeah, but it was still a good movie. By the time I got home Sunday evening, Ching, Brian, Apple and Andrew were at Mom and Dad's for an impromptu dinner. That was great, I'm always hungry. Actually, I've gained about 7 pounds now from when I first started trying to gain. If I can maintain the weight for more than a week, it's usually there to stay. Woohoo!
I got to bed around 11pm last night, after doing some get-ready-for-the-week-ahead stuff. That includes updating my calendar and syncing to the blackberry. I actually had atleast two nightmares during the night where I had to force myself to wake up before being scared to death. Despite all of that I still managed to get myself out of bed at 5am and ready for work. This week I'm working 7:30am to 4:30pm. That's actually pretty good because that gives me enough time to get stuff done after work.
Today's been pretty steady. Considering the 2007 tax season has officially begun. I'm actually scheduled to work this Saturday, but we're not forecasted to get slammed until mid next week, so here's hoping.
Anyway, just a short recap. I'm actually a bit peeved right now, but not for anything big or important. This one I'm going to shrug off and blame on the usual, and say "I should've expected it already."
I'm too tired to have a real blog. So I call a sing a long time.
Kate Nash - Foundations
Thursday night, every thing's fine, except you've got that look in your eye when I'm tellin' a story and you find it boring, you're thinking of something to say. You'll go along with it then drop it and humiliate me in front of our friends.
Then I'll use that voice that you find annoyin' and say something like "yeah, intelligent input, darlin', why don't you just have another beer then?"
Then you'll call me a bitch and everyone we're with will be embarrassed, and I wont give a shit.
My finger tips are holding onto the cracks in our foundation, and I know that I should let go, but I can't. And every time we fight I know it's not right, every time that you're upset and I smile. I know I should forget, but I can't.
You said I must eat so many lemons 'cause i am so bitter. I said "I'd rather be with your friends mate 'cause they are much fitter."
Yes, it was childish and you got aggressive, and I must admit that I was a bit scared, but it gives me thrills to wind you up.
My finger tips are holding on to the cracks in our foundation, and I know that I should let go, but I can't. And every time we fight I know it's not right, every time that you're upset and I smile. I know I should forget, but I can't.
Your face is pasty 'cause you've gone and got so wasted, what a surprise. Don't want to look at your face 'cause it's makin' me sick. You've gone and got sick on my trainers, I only got these yesterday. Oh, my gosh, I cannot be bothered with this.
Well, I'll leave you there 'till the mornin', and I purposely wont turn the heating on and dear God, I hope I'm not stuck with this one.
My finger tips are holding onto the cracks in our foundation, and I know that I should let go, but I can't. And every time we fight I know it's not right, every time that you're upset and I smile. I know I should forget, but I can't.
And every time we fight I know it's not right, every time that you're upset and I smile. I know I should forget, but I can't.
Eli wanted an email, and I told him I'd write him one last night, but I wrote the email address down on the scratch pad at work and absentmindedly left it when I went home. This morning when I woke up he was looking for it. He gave me the address again, and told me to write him before he went to bed (they are 15 hours ahead in Japan) but I thought to kill two birds with one stone, and since he is constantly stalking this blog anyway, I would just post it here.
Dear Eli,
(I don’t know why I started with “Dear Eli” but it seemed fairly fitting.)
I hope you are not really getting sick like you suspected. That would truly suck, unless it becomes enough of an excuse to get you back home ahead of schedule. I know we always say we miss each other, and it always half jokingly, but I really do miss you. Even if we don’t really see each other that much, I still feel a lot safer when you’re close by. It was actually really funny how when I told you I was sick you knew exactly what I needed - fried chicken, white rice, chicken soup and Tabasco. I don’t think even my own parents would have thought that. I really think you know me better than most anyone, (except maybe Becky.) Which, I guess is why I have been real careful not to put myself out there lately, because no one would take care of me now, if something bad happens. I would have to wait to have another emergency until you get back.
And I’ve been thinking that since you know me so well, maybe what I said yesterday is not such a good idea. I mean, it wouldn’t be the same or fair. You already know all my tricks and secrets. We’ll leave all the shananigans to another unsuspecting tool. Deal? I think that’s my final decision. Yes. I need to start being more decisive about these things. I am going to be decisive – today’s personal mantra. =D
I got to work early, but later than what I had planned. Which sucks, but atleast I’m feeling a lit bit better. I’m still all stuffy, but the tension headache has subsided. Anyway, I’m sorry I didn’t get to chat with you on the IM as much. I was logged in on the Blackberry and I was in the middle of trying to get ready, you know? Then when I finally got to my PC at work, it logged off my phone and lost all the messages I hadn’t checked yet. It was a poopy deal!
Tonight, I’m not sure if I’ll be going out. I mean, I’m still not 100%. If I do go out, it will probably just be to the Pumphouse. As always. But we’ll see. Tomorrow I have to definitely go out to my coworkers birthday shindig. So I have to make sure I’m back to feeling good by then.
Oh, and remember how I broke my debit card when you were still in town. Well, I finally got the replacement. I was so relieved. The one I had been carrying was already starting to fall apart, and it was so embarrassing every time I had to use it and tell people to just type the numbers in. Garth called it my “Jenke bank card.” He is such a douche! If you met him you would agree. But you know, he’s still my friend, because I have to be friends with everyone. That’s just me.
I’m supposed to be writing articles today, but the site we post on is down, and I’ve been waiting for it to get back up. It very sporadic, and frustrating. I bet you’re glad, because now you have your letter, not by email, but still you got it.
So I hope I still get my tree, or atleast a branch, or if you can’t get that through customs just pick some flowers off and press them for me. You know how to press flowers, right? I mean, you are gay, so that should be one of you favorite past times =D. Well, if not, Google some instructions. I will be more mad at you when you get back and you didn’t try, so try.
(You think maybe I offended gay people from that last bit. You know, because I included you into their circle. =D That is very offensive. So I guess I apologize.)
I hope you’re doing your almost laugh again, and not reading between the lines. I’m sure I’ll still be at work when you get up so hit me up.
Jennifer, Jen and Jenni.
P.S. Tell Chuck I said Hi and let him know I need his help with the Blackberry. I get a pop-up with Unknown Error everytime I try to connect to my laptop. Well, not everytime, but since this morning.
Guess who is sick again? I have armed myself with green tea, Sudafed, cough drops, Maruchan, and tons of Kleenex, (actually Puffs plus lotion with the scent of Vicks, according to the package.) I was already all sorts of sore yesterday but didn't think much of it, crediting it to a little too much extra curriculars from the days prior. To my dismay I woke up this morning without any doubt in my mind that I would be death walking. I was contemplating calling in, but that would go against my resolution to be grown up. As I told Eli this morning, “Grown ups go to work even when they are sick, because they have bills to pay.” And even if I only have pretend bills, I’m looking at this opportunity as grown up practice. Of course, I’ve been “practicing” for a good part of this decade, but I think I’m getting closer.
So I got out of bed, kept myself from reasoning my way out of working. I dressed for the occasion as always. I consciously picked an outfit that made me look like I didn’t care today (already funny) but made sure I was still color coordinated, clean and ironed. I put just enough powder on my face to even out my skin tone, but not enough to cover the puffiness and redness. I was somehow convinced that looking sick, would comfort me somehow, the same way sick people that stay home don’t get out of their pajamas. Well, it sounds silly now, but being sick makes you think crazy stuff.
I left early enough to pick up my prescription my WalGreens, and grab the essentials listed above. – On a side note: Right as I parked at WalGreens my phone alarm went off. ”Somebody will address you and tell you something you have been waiting to hear.” It was a little bittersweet since I knew no one would be calling or texting me this morning, so I cynically thought, maybe my anti-anxiety meds are ready. I had been waiting on them for almost a week, due to the holidays and doctor’s offices having been closed. Walked around the store picked up my stuff, and tried not to get distracted by the magazine rack, as I usually do. Went to the Pharmacy, they picked up my meds I had come to get and rang everything up, then the lady at the counter grabbed another package and scanned it in. So I guess, I was right. Well, duh, I know I was right, I have the packages. It was funny, but still not the news I was wanting to hear. I guess that’s why they said ”something you have been waiting to hear” and not ”something you’ve been wanting to hear. Oh well. It was worth a try.
Even as I was trying to find a parking spot at work, I knew I still had the option to just call the sick line and drive back. I hope everyone understands the weight in this story. I am very proud of myself for clocking in today. As I booted my computer up Eli IM’s me and fesses up that he had planned on messing with me at 9:21am and send me an off the wall message. (It was not so off the wall if you ask me, but Eli is not the most original gay guy out there =D ) Anyway, I was not logged in to my messenger so he missed the opportunity. I’m not sure how much time we spent instant messaging each other but I don’t think much was accomplished. I know, however, that I am mad at him now, and am expecting a miniature Cherry Blossom tree as compensation. Or at the very least some type of flower.
Jennifer has been on my IM consistently today as well. I think we have so far managed to cover every imaginable subject not the least bit interesting to anyone else but us. Currently I have sent her off and challenged her to a blog off. Basically, whoever has the most word count on their blog for the day. Which isn’t really fair, I was already set to be typing for the rest of the day. This illness has incapacitated my social skills, therefore my only outlet is to sit here and type my woes. I’m not quite sure if she knew how much I can write. Then imagine how much more I’d be typing if I didn’t censor myself. If I didn’t keep things secret. Like who was I with New Year’s eve, and where was I all of New Year’s day, and why am I mad at Eli, and what have I been over thinking, and why am I taking anti-anxiety meds, and where is Waldo. All those things, I could write novels about, especially the Waldo bit.
Anyway, I can share some things. Let’s start the semi recap.
Becky heard from me a couple days prior to New Year’s eve. It was a mini breakdown. Everything seemed clouded with questions, or more like uncertainty. And I was basically having mixed emotions about the men in my life, you know relationships, ex relationships, pseudo relationships, the whole gamut. Where was I going with my life? Am I even remotely close to being who I’m supposed to be already? Basically, I’ve been watching a little too much Felicity. She evened me out, scolded me a bit, and sent me on my merry way. I thought everything was settled until the midnight texter. How funny I thought that that all happened that night. Being big on fate and destiny I thought there was a reason. So I pursued it and it threw me into this big 24 hour whirlwind self discovery. And it was awesome! Not quite resolved but closer. So in the best Felicity version:
Dear Sally,
We have people in our lives we don’t think we can ever let go off. But then something happens. You get a second chance. You see them again, and they give you this window of opportunity to pretend that nothing has changed. And it’s wonderful, everything is, until you realize that you’re just pretending. Because things have changed. You’ve somehow grown away from them. When you looked at them before all you could see was the rest of your life, and now it’s like looking into the definite past. So in that second chance, that you’ve always hoped would come, you actually get awarded with some feeling of freedom.
I’m not going to include this next part into my Felicity dialog, because Felicity is supposed to solve her problem at the end of the letter, and me I’m just getting to the nitty gritty. With this “feeling of freedom” I’ve gotten a bit, I don’t know if there’s a term, relationship anxious. It’s like, all these possibilities for real relationships, that I always passed up because of emotional availability, and now I’m looking at every single one of them frantically as if this freedom has an expiration date. I mean, I know that’s ridiculous, but it feels that way, and I can’t shake it off.
So, this has ended up being the long meaningful blog Jennifer was requesting earlier. Who knew, right? All this time I’ve managed to keep this site semi shallow and I get hit with this cold or flu thing, and blah, I put everything out on print. Once I start taking the meds, we’ll see how much changes. I don’t really think I need it now, but just for kicks, let’s see how messed up I really am. I half expect to read this all over again next week, and think, “what in the world was I babbling about?”
LOL. Jennifer is back on the messenger. I guess she is done blogging. She’s trying to convince me to work out with her. She’s been wanting me to run for awhile. I run a lot, in the office, in school, but not recreationally, and not without heels on. I somehow foresee myself caving in though, she a bit persistent. I think it’s an only-child quality she has managed not to let go of. But she is willing to do the blog marathon with me, I guess I can try to run her race. (I already see her beeming after reading that.)
Oh, and my itinerary for the rest of the week, for those who requested:
Tonight I’ll be at work ‘til 7:30pm. There was a get together at a friend’s that I don’t think I’ll be able to make it to considering my current state.
Tomorrow night is a regular Friday night so guess.
Saturday, my coworkers are having a thing at this place, and I do believe Carla and Paul will be out as well.
At this point, I think I will make Sunday my day of rest.
Monday it starts all over again.
P.S. Please forgive any typos or misspells. I would usually take the time to reread and edit, but not now, not today. I hope you all understand.
MULTITASKER GIRL GETS 40% COSMIC, 40% SUPERSTITIOUS AND 20% HOPEFUL
Wednesday, January 02, 2008
I'm back at work, obviously, and has spent most of the morning researching a return a client sent in Monday night. It's been a mind boggling experience so far. As a much needed deviation I decided to look up my horoscope for January. It looks so promising, I decided to note it, with a few commentaries from yours truly of course:
Sagittarius - The Month Ahead 1st January 2008 - 31st January 2008
You start the year with Venus in your sign and your hopes high, in some cases for entirely romantic reasons. (Uh-oh! Someone's been stalking me.) The area of money and self-esteem is in high focus too but while you may be feeling rich in spirit the content of your bank account may reveal an entirely different story. (That means I'm poor.) Fortunately, with Jupiter and ultimately Pluto in this same xone, you have the power and the opportunity to turn around a sad story and start to make serious money rather than spending it. (Awesome! That was part of the plan.) And these thoughts you should keep to the forefront of your mind, especially during the first week (now) and on or near the 24th (so someone remind me) - the reason being that there are some challenging aspects to deal with virtually as soon as we cross the threshold into 2008. One of the facets of this time of year is that real life has been put on hold since the 21st of December but by the end of the first week of January all those cooped up chickens come home to roost. The issues are going to vary from Sagittarian to Sagittarian but they will involve facing some painful truths (that I need to stop drinking my money away) and mapping out a new road ahead (take valiums instead). Another point of confrontation, which is very positive if you eject yourself from the river of denial, but not so good if you use it to unleash violent emotions on an undeserving object (i.e. pick up trucks). So, please keep away from the kitchen and the knife block if you have an issue to bring up with your nearest and dearest.
So, romance...venus always does her best to bring harmony to bear so you may find that marital (non-existent) wars soon blow over and that a new found interest in each other (doesn't apply) develops. This is also a premium period for attracting the opposite sex (good) an dputting a casual affair (casual affair?) onto a more serious footing. The venus-Saturn square of the 6th is all about making love legal (I'm for sure not getting married this month) and coming to terms with the reality as opposed to the fantasy of a relationship (but I already know the reality, love blows). However, a week later venus squares up to Uranus causing romantic upsets (because I'm bipolar) and making Sagittarians feel insecure about a relationship or some other commitment. (Not looking forward to that.)
On the 28th (mark your calendars) Mercury goes into reverse thrust, stalling one or more of your plans and making the going very convoluted indeed. Do your best to tie up as many loose ends before that date, then be very precise with your information.
So, my take on the whole thing. Lots of good advice, and plenty to get my hopes up on. I would be all set if all the freaking planets would just stay in place and quit squaring off with each other.
P.S. Jennifer sent me one of those mass forwards that says "Tomorrow at 9:21am somebody will address you and tell you something you have been waiting to hear." So this one I did mass forward. Then I marked my calendar, set my phone alarm for 9:21am tomorrow and I'm going to sit and wait. Somebody better "address" me, and they better say something good.
Woke up at 4am again. This is starting to get a bit ridiculous, but I'll take it. Thought I'd get an early start for the day anyway, get ready, run some errands before I head to work. It will be perfect.
So sorry about the lack of blogs yesterday, not sure what happened there. Also I apologize for the lack of pictures, I think I have an idea what happened there. Seriously, my New Year's eve is not as I would have planned it to be. But no regrets I still had tons of fun. Met some interesting people, to say the least. I did get pretty tanked early into the night so I forgot to take pictures even though I had my digital camera plus my phone cam easily accessible. Bleh! It's just a night, out of 364 more nights. I think we'll all do just fine.
My first day of the year went similarly the same route. Not how it would have gone in my fairytale dreams, but not without it's perks. I got a chance to relax and reflect, make some definite choices about the direction I want to take with my life at this juncture. Manned up and stopped wallowing in regrets - (I think that was my biggest accomplishment yesterday.) So needless to say, I woke up this morning, pretty darned proud of myself, and optimistic about 2008.
And to kick off this brand spanking new year, a much needed sing along moment:
"Vegas"
Gonna sell my car and go to Vegas 'Cause somebody told me That's where dreams would be Gonna sell my car and go to Vegas Finally see my name upon the Palace marquis
Gonna quit my job and move to New York 'Cause somebody told me that's where Dreamers should go Gonna quit my job and move to New York And tattoo my body with every Broadway show.
Listen up now honey, you're gonna be sorry Can't get out from under a sky that is falling And you say No fame no money I'm nobody The way I'm running has sure got me down On my knees. But next stop, Vegas please. Gotta get to Vegas Can you take me to Vegas?
Gonna sell my house and cross the border 'Cause somebody told me dreams live in Mexico Gonna sell my house I got to lose ten pounds And cross the border And make sweet love on the white sandy shore.
Listen up now honey, you're gonna be sorry Can't get out from under a sky that is falling And you say No fame no money I'm nobody The way I'm running has sure got me down On my knees. But next stop, Vegas please.
It's always just around the corner or you're On your way to somewhere That is bigger or better... If you could only get there It's never your fault you can't start your Own winning streak But I'd hate to lose you to the fortune you seek
I'm gonna lose my mind and sail the ocean. 'Cause somebody told me there were Cherry blue skies I'm gonna fix my mind with a final destination And have a deep sleep upon a sweet dream I'll never realize...no
Listen up now honey, you're gonna be sorry Can't get out from under a sky that is falling And you say No fame no money I'm nobody The way I'm running has sure got me down On my knees. Next stop, Vegas please. Can you take me to Vegas?
